Top 15 Womens T-shirts

i like this one its funny

1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

2. I hate everybody, and you're next.

3. And your point is...?

4. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

5. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

6. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it!

7. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.

8. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

9. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the firsttime.

10. Why do people with closed minds always open theirmouths?

11. I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at thesame time.

12. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

13. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

14. All stressed out and no one to choke.

15. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy

M.Y.A.S.S.

the title sounds bad but if you read this story you will understand

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:

"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get agood look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be some what afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be common place for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

NTHB

OMG i have heard 6th, 7th, and 8th grade bands sound better than the concert band did, that was horrible i feel sorry for the audience, but the music was so easy why couldnt the people just play what was on the page for example the key signature CLARINETS but life sucks and it doesnt matter so i will end this post before i bore myself to death

this is for all you rednecks out there

i just cant get enough jokes

REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
(i am not sure what this test has to do with driving but it is funny)

Last name:________________

(Check appropriate box) First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_]Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress [_] Un-employed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother
[_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name:_______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in frontyard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom
____ bathroom ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO =
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: =
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know

this can make elevators fun

i just love this website

21 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"

10. Meow occasionally.

11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

12. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

16. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

21. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Top 16 Things To Do In A Driving Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the examiner, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit everyone.

4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so hedoesn't dirty the seat.

5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood latch and say "Oops."

7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"

8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

9. Fill your car with beer bottles.

10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

11. Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

13. Swear at everybody on the road.

14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the
person next to you and thelight.

15. Beep your horn at everything.

16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

we need to go to wal-mart

This one is for Billy but everyone read it because it took a long time to type

50 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone,"I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spasticas possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS*

1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without getting kicked out.

2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you can make

life is a waste of time

i have nothing to say so i will post my motto

life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life!

i have nothing to say

this post is for Billy and Julia and all i am going to say is worry about your own blog and i will post when i feel like it, so here is two very random jokes

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

10 things in golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter
2. Oh shit my shafts all bent
3. You really wacked the hell out of thatsucker
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a goodgrip
6. Lift your head and spread your legs
7. You have a nice stroke, but your followthrough leaves a lot to be desired
8. Just turn your back and drop it
9. Hold up.. I've got to wash my balls
10. Damn, I missed the hole again

back to school

i really should have cherished my christmas break a little more o-well, i had fun siting on the couch going from tv to computer to pool to food and anything else i could find but now we have to go back to homework every night and school all day and BAND, ill stop here before i get into something worse
Happy 2005